The Jordan Catalano Olympic Hockey Money Haiku

Yes, it’s Sunday and I’m a day late with my Saturday: Holy Haikus He-Man.

Things have been a bit off this weekend. Yesterday was a rough one. I think the people who I was working with who were on the tour were just having a bit of a bad day and their lack of communication caused them to take it out on me. It got better as the day went on but they worked me pretty hard. I didn’t even have time for a sip of water until close to 3pm, after running around, lifting and prepping for 6 hours straight.

The kitchen for when a tour comes through this particular venue with their own catering staff, is actually in another venue within a venue. This doesn’t happen often as the venue’s capacity doesn’t really attract extremely large tours that would be carrying their own catering, but when it does I’m mentally prepared for a long day with a lot of stairs and no breaks. It’s cool though. I like working hard. What I don’t like, is being the punching bag for other people’s issues…and I’m vocal about it.

Anyhoo, at this venue within the venue, there’s a spot directly behind the mixing desk where I like to charge my phone. It’s on a circuit breaker box. It’s of a decent size and could definitely fit two of my phones side by side, and probably 5 length wise, so it’s not narrow by any means. It’s also caged off so no real need for people to go back there anyway. You may remember what it looks like from the Shoe Breakup the other day. Edward from Twilight is leaning against it.

The power source is directly under this making it completely impossible for anyone to trip over the charger.

So I thought.

Now, I guess I’ll never REALLY know what happened.

I was charging my phone for about 45 minutes. It was slow towards the end of the 15 hour shift as we were waiting for the dressing rooms to clear out to clean up the last of the dishes and pack away the last of their stuff. I checked my phone once and put it back IN THE MIDDLE of the top of the circuit box, as I always do.

25 minutes later, after cleaning out one of the dressing rooms and cleaning up a bit more, I went to check on the charging status of my phone. I reached up to grab it and it wasn’t there. I felt down to each end and found it at the edge of the right side on the ledge.

The entire face of the phone was shattered and the charger bit that plugs into the phone was shattered clinging on only by wires and the metal part that plugs into the phone. The plastic shell was gone. Split in two pieces on the floor under the circuit box.

I asked all of the guys in their crew, in a VERY CALM manner, if they maybe accidentally knocked it down and put it back up on the shelf. Two of them seemed genuinely shocked and very concerned and came with me to check the scene of the crime trying to figure out what might have happened as we debunked each theory. I believe these guys were on the level.

You see, I’m a shitty liar, therefore I can tell when someone else is lying because I know what I do when I’m lying. I depict every single textbook “tell”. This is the reason I don’t play poker. The other reason I don’t play poker is because I don’t know how to play poker. I feel these two characteristics would be detrimental in my actually winning.

Anyway, I made a final plea to the guys saying that I wasn’t mad. That I understand that accidents happen and that it’s no one’s fault. That I wouldn’t be seeking reprimands. All I wanted was for someone to own up to it so I knew what happened.

I then went to the third guy on their staff. The guy I had the most trouble with all day. I showed him my phone and asked him in a very calm manner if he maybe accidentally knocked over my phone and put it back on the shelf. Before I even finished, he cut me off and without making eye contact, said no, and started packing one of his cases.

This is one of the two ways I would have reacted, as a terrible liar. The other would have been to invent an elaborate alibi involving my unicorn, some roofies and my purple sparkle disco pants that may or may not have happened.

Look, again, I get it. I am extremely clumsy. Usually though, I just end up hurting myself. Let me put it to you this way… I won’t be a knee, elbow, or finger model anytime soon with the amount of times I’ve tripped, walked into sharp edges, fallen, or cut myself. I’m a klutz, so I’m very forgiving when it comes to accidental mishaps.

But someone knocked the phone down, hopefully accidentally, saw that it shattered the screen and cracked the charger, exposing the wires, and put it back up on the shelf in a different area from where I had left it. There are no two ways about it. I was just looking for answers and no one would own up to it.

Pretty disappointing once again, humanity.


So, again, please forgive my lack of Saturday haiku yesterday as I was online searching for new phones that I can’t afford once I’m likely told that it will cost more than the phone is worth to replace the screen and charger tomorrow. I would just leave it, as the phone still works, but I’ve already cut myself twice on the glass while using it (another nail in my finger model career coffin) so it really needs to be replaced for the benefit of my fingertips.

As I mentioned to you yesterday, I pre-wrote a haiku.

Thing is, I wrote it under false pretenses.

You see, yesterday, I worked for 30 Seconds To Mars. You may not know who the band is (I didn’t) but you may know the leader of the band. An actor by the name of Jordan Catalano, otherwise knows as Jared Leto.

Back in 1994, I was madly in love with a man by the name of Jordan Catalano from My So Called Life. This dude was everything I ever wanted. Quiet, mysterious, an asshole, in a band, really REALLY weird, bipolar and really hot. He was the best thing that had happened to TV since Ricky Schroeder and I were married in 1982 (for the record, I was also married to Donnie Wahlberg, River Phoenix and Ryan Lambert in between).

Somewhere along the way, I had been told that he was a hardcore vegan and made everyone on his tours eat strictly vegan. In preparation, I ate an entire cow the night before the show to make sure I got my meat fill in for the next day, and I wrote this little haiku, on the off-chance I would have to just post in a hurry on Saturday on a dinner break to appease all of your Saturday haiku needs.



Militant vegans irk me.

You’re still real hot, though. 

You’ll be happy to know he’s not only NOT militant vegan, he’s pescetarian and there was a lot of meat on the menu. I had a beef burrito. Further, I love vegetarian and vegan food. I actually eat vegetarian several times a week, unconsciously.

What I dislike, is preaching or forcing your beliefs down my throat. Talk to me with valid points and arguments without bullying me, and you’ll get your points through to me much clearer.

Mmmkay, so that haiku wasn’t going to work anymore.

After the shit day at work and the mysterious phone smashing incident, I wasn’t in the mood for haikus.

But today, while watching the Olympic hockey fight for the gold, it came to me.

Some of you, particularly my Canadian readers, remember all to well my post about things I wish were never invented the other day, and how I noted my passionate dislike of Sidney Crosby’s alter-douche ego, Cindy Crosby.

For the record, I’d like to state again that Sidney Crosby is amazingly skilled at the game of hockey, but he does not know how to play it using only his skills. He, for whatever reason, feels the need to play extremely dirty…starting fights and never finishing them, making his team members take over and receive the penalties. He cheats and gets away with it. And worst of all, he cries on the ice not only with actual tears, but also in the form of proper whining and actual tantrums when he gets called on his dirty moves. This is HOCKEY! There is no crying.

With that said, I LOVE Canadian hockey. I even waved a Canadian flag high and proud during every single IIHF game I attended last year. Most of the Flyers are Canadians, so do the math.

But Canada messed up by not taking ANY Flyers on their olympic team this year, and further, taking Cindy instead of any of them, so Canada was not a team I was really cheering for this time around.

I knew the game for the gold today would be tough. Sweden versus Canada, especially with one of Sweden’s key players out, allegedly because he had traces of… wait for it… Claritin, in his system and that’s apparently considered a performance enhancing drug.


While watching the game, and somewhere in the middle of the second period when Canada had the lead at 1-0, and Sweden just could not seem to get the puck out of their own zone, it dawned on me that Crosby had still not scored ONE SINGLE GOAL throughout the entire olympics :-D!

This made me feel warm and fuzzy inside for too many reasons. At that point, I was ok with Canada winning the gold because the important thing was, Cindy was not responsible for it (yeah, yeah, 2 assists..big deal).

It was then, that I jotted this haiku down:


Silver for Sweden

Bummer, but more important

No goals for Cindy

But then, not 5 minutes later, she scored.

Which got me to thinking.

That’s two haikus I wrote where the exact opposite of what I anticipated had happened, clearly meaning that whatever I would write, the antithetical has to happen.

So it is with this preempted tense, that I present to you this week’s ACTUAL haiku:

oprah rich

No more pre-writing

I ate meat and Cindy scored

I’ll never be rich. 

Congrats on the gold, Canada, although I’d be happier for you if anyone other than Crosby had scored that second goal. In fact, shame on you Sweden for not shutting out Crosby to make him scoreless at the olympics. That’s worse than coming in second. 😦

Onto the final bit of business for today.

As you know, today is Sunday, which normally means it’s time for the Sunday Smoke-Long story of the winning photo. We left last week’s story on yet another cliffhanger. Thing is, there is a tie between two photos in the photo challenge with the loser only one vote behind.

Meaning, get your votes in so that I can write the story!!!! Here’s the link. It only takes a minute and you’ll save the life of a baby hedgehog.


8 responses to “The Jordan Catalano Olympic Hockey Money Haiku

  1. Ok, so I like this ability you have to write wildly and interestingly – but were you aware that it is posting twice? Or is it just me. Hrmph. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Get a phone. 😀

    • It is? I changed the name about a minute after I posted to go from Jared Leto to Jordan Catalano as not to draw too much unnecessary attention to said staff members (you never know, and even though one of them is lying, I don’t want anyone to get in trouble). It’s only posted once on my page… weird. But yay that you think I’m wild and interesting 🙂

      New phone? Pff… I just bought this one without a contract just over a year ago. I’m trying to save for a new sword 😦

  2. If it makes you feel any better, Sydney’s goal didn’t actually accomplish anything for us, we didn’t need it at all, we had already won the gold medal at that point of the game.

    Olympic Hockey
    All us Canadians talk
    like we played the game

    • That actually DOES make me feel better, thanks Brad!
      I didn’t look at it that way, but you’re absolutely right. In the end, he was still completely useless. The rest of the team played great though.

      And once again, giving me a run for my money in the haiku department. Maybe I need to have you come in as a guest haiku writer sometime soon 🙂
      For the record, when the team wins, it doesn’t matter what sport, it’s always “we” won, and when the team loses, “they” lost.

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  6. I feel your pain. Just came off of placement, and was the punching bag for a very insecure actor in the first couple of days, except I knew it was nothing to do with me, I just happened to be the new kid. But, give someone enough rope, they’ll eventually hang themselves 🙂

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