Look folks, as you know, I don’t like to brag.

But I’ve really got it this time.

The answer to the age-old question.

How Do I Get Rich And Do So At The Exploitation of Common Sense and Others?

As you all know by now, I’ve recently become a smoker who is currently not smoking. On the off-chance that you were not aware of that, I’ve provided a handy link explaining that I refuse to quit, because nobody likes a quitter, so instead I have decided to remain a full-time smoker who is currently not smoking but I also want to not, not stop, therefore staying true to the ‘I’m no quitter’ tagline I’m infamous for sporting when referring to my love of the sweet, sweet poison sticks.

It might sound confusing now, but trust me. Once you read the link, you’ll be even more confused.

As some of you may also be aware, I’ve been giving this 5:2 diet a try. This is the diet where you eat,and get blackout drunk completely normally for 5 days a week, and for 2 days (you can choose which 2 days) you, as a woman, keep your calories to 500 and for men, 600.

There’s a great little cookbook available that really helps give you some pretty filling options for the two days. It doesn’t matter how you choose to use the allotted calories, or when. I don’t like being told what to do, so this works out perfectly. I also don’t like when people argue with me, so I’m sure you’ll understand that I am right and nothing you say is correct.

As a few more of you may know. I FREAKING HATE that I am doing both of these things.

I love smoking and I love food…

 

…and drinking coffee with milk and sugar.

I started the diet with Mr.P the first Monday in January. He has lost 5kg (11 lbs.).

Me?

Fu*king diddly. Nada. Nothing.

It’s not like I have a lot of weight I want to lose. 5kg is my goal. I train three times a week and walk a lot so exercise isn’t an issue. I eat healthy so no issue there. I had put on a few extra kilograms last year though for some reason, and wanted to remedy this.

I decided to try the diet for a few reasons.

1. It’s not fun to eat normally when one person is hard core dieting in the same house.
2. I was afraid I may use food as a cigarette substitute, even though I’m not a quitter..I just wanted to stop and now I’m choosing to not quit stopping.
3. This seemed to make sense as a way of dieting and also helping to detox a bit. I read the book.
4. This also seemed WAY better the doing a REAL fast. Remember: I love food.

 

I’m really good with diets. I lost 11 kg (24 lbs) on South Beach 7 years ago and have kept it off despite my regular carb intake now. Once I start to see results, which is usually quite fast, I feel supercharged and step up my exercise, etc. because I’m actually seeing results.

But nothing on this one. No gain, no loss.

5:2, F-U.

Seriously.

I was bitching and moaning to one of my colleagues about this the other day.

You know what she told me?

That your metabolism changes when you’re a smoker. That EVERYONE, regardless of your food replacement habits for lack of glorious cigarettes, gains weight. You could not change a thing about your eating habits from when you were actually smoking, until when you decided to not smoke, but remain a smoker who doesn’t like to be called a quitter, and you will STILL gain weight, so she deducted that the diet actually WAS working for me.

I told her she must have said that wrong, because that made no sense and that she was crazy and a bitch and a liar and I hated her, and then I ran away covering my ears, yelling “LALALALALA” down the hallway as not to be poisoned by her continued devil talk.

Sure, I used cigarettes as a device to curb my hunger, but what the hell did she know?

Google to the rescue.

That lying bitch was right.

If someone had told me long ago that if I eventually decided to quit smoking, I would gain a decent amount of weight regardless of ANYTHING, (not to mention feel more unhealthy, going on 8 weeks, than I ever have in my life) I would have taken a second thought about really starting.

See, no one starts smoking because they like it or with intentions of becoming a full-time smoker for life. You start because it’s cool. You continue through the awful first real inhale after you’ve not been inhaling for the first three months. You hate it, but you carry on because it’s cool and you look cool doing it. You never at any time think, “Wow..you know what? I want to do this forever!  What I thought was just a peer pressure and looking cool phase in my life, has now become a life long vice I willingly choose to keep with me, forever and ever.”

No one reads the cigarette warnings. Seriously, we all KNOW smoking is bad for you. There’s not one person in the world that actually believes that smoking is beneficial to your health, despite how wonderful it is after a cup of coffee in the morning or used to psychologically relieve stress.

But you know what? Bacon is bad for your heart, too. And we all love bacon, right? Come on vegetarians and vegans…you guys love fakon, so you know how good the real deal must be. Excessive junk food and alcohol are also bad for you. So is fun. Everything in moderation, folks. EVERYTHING causes cancer, or heart disease, or heart attacks, or liver malfunction or leprosy, or restless leg disorder.

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

And if you think it doesn’t I promise you that somewhere out there, someone has done a study to prove you wrong.

So trying to tell a smoker or potential smoker that smoking is bad for you is a waste of time. In fact, many times it encourages people to give you a giant, “Fu*k you, buddy! I’ll show you, by smoking until I die and prove you wrong because I will have died by something completely different because I’m not into reading warning labels, see!”

So, I’ve devised a plan with my new knowledge of weight gain after smoking.

You see, kids today, and humans in general, are very concerned with their looks. Weight is a huge issue and it continues to be something a lot of young women and also young men, struggle to compete with. Vanity is the one true way to get the message to the youth of today. And full-grown, real-life adults too, who are also looks obsessed.

So I propose a worldwide campaign, appealing to the arrogance of folks. An arrogance I plan on charging a fortune to exploit as I become a real bad motivational speaker to classrooms around the world.

“Listen kids, I’m not going to preach to you about how bad cigarettes are to your health. We all know this. We’ve seen the after-school specials (do they still have those?), we’ve read the labels, we’ve WebMDed the hell out of all of this. Everything today is bad for your health. I say, get out there and skydive, and eat meat. Lots of it. Enjoy chips and homemade moonshine and have lots and lots of sex.

“Smoke, too! Everyone should try it. It’s important for people to know that you are cool enough to give it a go. But take heed, kids…. if you start smoking, you will eventually get fat, and no amount of exercise or dieting or anorexia will stop it. You WILL get fat.”

“So go ahead… there’s free packs for everyone on the table behind me. Grab one on your way out and start smoking immediately. But seriously you guys… you will get fat the moment you decide to stop.”

See? I told you. Genius.