Stuffy Nose? Have Some Chocolate.

Bleh.

Seriously.

Gyeugh.

Yeah. It’s like that. We’ve reached level Gyeugh.

In 25 hours from the time I’m finished writing this post, which I predict to take approximately 40 minutes total, it will have been 7 weeks since I inadvertently became a smoker who is currently not smoking. That means that Janey has 136 apples.

It all equals out. Do the math. And grab that dictionary if you need to look up the words inadvertently or it. I warned you in Meet the Sass that the moment for both calculators and dictionaries may come. Here it is.

Since not not quitting, as I have bitched and moaned about in the past, it would appear my body likes to purge itself of snot or cigarette juice, or whatever the hell it is, every 4 days, like clockwork. Well, my cycle must be off, because it came a day early today. Luckily, I had a new box of tissues in tow. Here is what my living room table, in front of the couch where I lie in misery, currently looks like.

20140207_172604_1

In the midst of the used tissue grossness, is the peel of my third orange of the day. Know what? It’s overrated. I’m out of whiskey. So now the fuck what?

This is the tissue consumption of a 10 minute time frame.

I don’t know about you guys, but I cannot stand a stuffy nose. I will literally blow my nose 496 times to clear my nasal package. My equilibrium is currently non-existent from the amount of nose blowing achieved. A box of tissues on a day like this is completely normal.

tissuesbed

The sucky part of this currently not smoking cigarette snot juice release is, that I don’t actually feel sick in the traditional “cold of flu” sense of it. No aches, no fever. It’s just non-stop sneezing and congestion with the occasional sore throat due to forced mouth breathing as a direct result of clogged nasal passage.

It is incredibly annoying. And I can go from zero (feeling perfectly fine and breathing easily from all air passage orifices), to 80 (nose blows and sneezes) in a matter of minutes. Yeah, ok, not quite the torque you may have been hoping for with that analogy, but I’m not a machine.

Oh hey, and speaking of machines, remember how I worked the Kraftwerk shows here a couple of weeks ago? Sure you do. I even wrote a haiku about it.  Well I was back at that particular venue to work a couple of gigs the past few days, and look who I found!

Here’s a photo taken last night of Kraftwerk and I. Yes, the REAL Kraftwerk. And yes, those are REAL synths and not pizza boxes. And YES, the guy next to me is just a torso, and YES I am that strong that he can just sit on my shoulder.

Geez. Bunch of skeptics around here.

20140206_234117_1

So now that you have an idea of my size next to the real life people in Kraftwertk, I’ve been wondering how such a little person can have so much snot? I mean honestly. There is no doubt that on any given currently not smoking day where my body decides to purge the previously smoked cigarette snot, that I’m releasing a good pint to three pints worth of snot.

snot glass

Yeah.

I know.

You’re welcome for that.

Anyway, what I’ve noticed is, that on these days and also on actual legitimate sick days, the only thing I crave besides my super soft purple blankey (shut up, I’m sort of kind of sick, I can call it a blankey), is chocolate.

It’s not a comfort thing either. Pizza is a comfort food for me. So is beer. Grilled cheese, single malt, cheesesteaks, vodka, cheeseburgers, tequila. All of these foods are comforting to me. Basically, anything with cheese and / or alcohol will do (think whiskey, port or beer cheddar and you’ve won me over for life). I eat one square of 85% dark chocolate a day, so it’s not like it’s something I usually deprive myself of and look at as a special occasion food.

When I’m sick or feeling congested, it’s actually quite the opposite for me. I get paranoid that the only reason this has happened, is because I am Vitamin C deprived.

I then tend to overdo it a bit…Case in point eating 3 oranges in a 90 minute time span. In my mind, the vitamin C will travel directly to my nose wiping out the cigarette juice snot in one fell swoop and turn it into vapors that will be released through my ear holes.

I’ve researched what this craving is all about, as you do when you have the slightest out of the ordinary thing wrong with you. Usually I end up with multiple incurable cancers caused my malaria with a side of the plague and early onset leprosy.

I will save you all the hours of google self diagnosing and chocolate research and present to you the only thing that makes any sense to me, and my new gospel:

chocolate salad

Of course, Keanu has a valid point as well….

keeanu

But that doesn’t solve my chocolate craving problem, despite Keanu’s lousy acting skills, but continued brilliant conspiracy theory making memes.

The fact that my inner genius has somehow always known that chocolate is salad and just wants me to feel better quickly, does however.

The human body truly is a magical temple. Respect yours by eating more salad today. There’s not time to waste.

Now someone please bring me some single malt. My throat hurts from mouth breathing.

****Oh, and before I forget, the whole thing that sparked this post to begin with was me perusing the 365 Days of Writing Prompts (that’s how quickly my mind shifts gears). Today’s challenge asked if we think access to universal medical care is something that governments should provide, or if it is something that should be left to the private sector.

The answer is YES to both. Think about it. 

Short soapbox rant: EVERYONE deserves healthcare. Whether it comes from the kindness of the private sector, or from the government insuring that every single person under their protection is cared for. 

EVERYONE.

See..I told you it would be short.

Now seriously, where’s that single malt…. Let’s show ‘Murica that the private sector can help provide health care. 

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34 responses to “Stuffy Nose? Have Some Chocolate.

  1. Ok…feel better now? The only positive reply I can give you, is that this is your body’s choice of Poison Expulsion. It will pass. Meanwhile, I had chicken & salad for dinner, so feel virtuously vitamin’ed up. I do like your Kraftwerk photo – I loved them!
    You are immensely talented being able to write with humour when you feel so bad. However, the glass of *snot* I could have done without. 😀

    • Yeah, so I keep hearing, but it’s kind of enough already. It feels like full blown sinus attacks or allergy attacks. Maybe I’m allergic to not smoking? Whatever it is, it blows (no nose pun intended..ok, maybe a little).

      They were wild to hang out with as you can clearly tell by the photo. So much life for a bunch of older German dudes. The guy with no legs was HILARIOUS, despite usually correct German stereotypes.

      And thanks for the props. In my line of work, I’ve found laughter really is the best medicine to keep the sanity somewhat in tact. Besides, I FEEL ok, I’m just incredibly annoyed with my nose.

      The glass of snot was very important to the story line. I don’t think you actually could have gone without it.

  2. Pingback: Photo Challenge Day 7: Earth | The Playground·

  3. I baked a couple of banana & chocolate loaves (I love banana nut bread without the nuts ><); and 1 was gone 10 minutes after it cooled. Now if you weren't so blasphemous with your Keanu statement I would post a reply saying that your Single Barrel Jack Daniels is enroute with a good dose of Ozusko, just a couple liters though.

    • Which part of the Keanu statement did you find blasphemous? The part where I was too easy on his acting skills? I love him as a human..not that I know him personally, but he just seems like an all around good dude… but the man CAN NOT act beyond Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure of their Bogus Journey. Bram Stoker’s Dracula is one of my all time favorite flicks (2 tattoos representing this particular film), and he is just…. awful…just awful. Point Break? His name is Johnny Utach. He didn’t have a chance. Matrix? Nuh-uh. Again…respect as a human…not so much as an actor.

      Now, onto that chocolate banana bread….. I want some. How does this happen?

      • A Walk In The Clouds is one of my favorite movies staring him; and while he may not be a Mel Gibson of acting; let alone being in the same league as Morgan Freeman; I do like his skills. Enough to say that he is a boyfriend of mine.

        As for the Banana Bread ala Ley; come to the house and bring 5 bananas to get one freshly made.

      • Ok, we can give him a pass for that film. I’ve not seen it but will, upon your recommendation. I have absolutely nothing against him. He is also nice to look at, so I don’t not watch films because he is in them.

        Mel Gibson is crazy.
        Freeman is a class act though.

        Over-ripe bananas?

      • Nope, I just get the yellow ones and go to town mashing. everyone so far who has had my banana bread loves it; and has not died no matter how much poison I put in it… they never let me have the damn loaf to myself! How RUDE!

  4. I feel for you E. really I do. Sad thing is I know exactly how that 80-time-a-minute sneezing looks like since I am allergic. Imagine springtime fun. ><. I'm ready for bed after that! And as for googling your symptoms… don't. I speak from experience. Just don't.

    • That is exactly what it feels like… severe allergy or sinus attacks. Don’t ever not smoke during allergy season. I only hope this passes before then.

      16 years with no health insurance (thank you USA) made me an expert at self-diagnosing and self-medicating. I feel like this chocolate advice is solid 🙂

  5. Last summer my doctor diagnosed me as having the inability to properly absorb the glucose from my bloodstream the way I had for decades prior. As a result I’m not to eat salads. No mugs of hot salads with mini marshmallows, no salad sundaes with whip cream and a cherry on top, no salad sauce drizzled on my ice cream, no salad cake for my birthday. He did say I should get used to enjoying the salad bar. I thought that was a bad thing till I read this post. I better listen to my doctor and go unwrap one now. Mmmmmm! Mars Salad Bar! Yummy. Feel better soon

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