Yeah. It’s like that. We’ve reached level Gyeugh.
In 25 hours from the time I’m finished writing this post, which I predict to take approximately 40 minutes total, it will have been 7 weeks since I inadvertently became a smoker who is currently not smoking. That means that Janey has 136 apples.
It all equals out. Do the math. And grab that dictionary if you need to look up the words inadvertently or it. I warned you in Meet the Sass that the moment for both calculators and dictionaries may come. Here it is.
Since not not quitting, as I have bitched and moaned about in the past, it would appear my body likes to purge itself of snot or cigarette juice, or whatever the hell it is, every 4 days, like clockwork. Well, my cycle must be off, because it came a day early today. Luckily, I had a new box of tissues in tow. Here is what my living room table, in front of the couch where I lie in misery, currently looks like.
This is the tissue consumption of a 10 minute time frame.
I don’t know about you guys, but I cannot stand a stuffy nose. I will literally blow my nose 496 times to clear my nasal package. My equilibrium is currently non-existent from the amount of nose blowing achieved. A box of tissues on a day like this is completely normal.
The sucky part of this currently not smoking cigarette snot juice release is, that I don’t actually feel sick in the traditional “cold of flu” sense of it. No aches, no fever. It’s just non-stop sneezing and congestion with the occasional sore throat due to forced mouth breathing as a direct result of clogged nasal passage.
It is incredibly annoying. And I can go from zero (feeling perfectly fine and breathing easily from all air passage orifices), to 80 (nose blows and sneezes) in a matter of minutes. Yeah, ok, not quite the torque you may have been hoping for with that analogy, but I’m not a machine.
Oh hey, and speaking of machines, remember how I worked the Kraftwerk shows here a couple of weeks ago? Sure you do. I even wrote a haiku about it. Well I was back at that particular venue to work a couple of gigs the past few days, and look who I found!
Here’s a photo taken last night of Kraftwerk and I. Yes, the REAL Kraftwerk. And yes, those are REAL synths and not pizza boxes. And YES, the guy next to me is just a torso, and YES I am that strong that he can just sit on my shoulder.
Geez. Bunch of skeptics around here.
So now that you have an idea of my size next to the real life people in Kraftwertk, I’ve been wondering how such a little person can have so much snot? I mean honestly. There is no doubt that on any given currently not smoking day where my body decides to purge the previously smoked cigarette snot, that I’m releasing a good pint to three pints worth of snot.
You’re welcome for that.
Anyway, what I’ve noticed is, that on these days and also on actual legitimate sick days, the only thing I crave besides my super soft purple blankey (shut up, I’m sort of kind of sick, I can call it a blankey), is chocolate.
It’s not a comfort thing either. Pizza is a comfort food for me. So is beer. Grilled cheese, single malt, cheesesteaks, vodka, cheeseburgers, tequila. All of these foods are comforting to me. Basically, anything with cheese and / or alcohol will do (think whiskey, port or beer cheddar and you’ve won me over for life). I eat one square of 85% dark chocolate a day, so it’s not like it’s something I usually deprive myself of and look at as a special occasion food.
When I’m sick or feeling congested, it’s actually quite the opposite for me. I get paranoid that the only reason this has happened, is because I am Vitamin C deprived.
I then tend to overdo it a bit…Case in point eating 3 oranges in a 90 minute time span. In my mind, the vitamin C will travel directly to my nose wiping out the cigarette juice snot in one fell swoop and turn it into vapors that will be released through my ear holes.
I’ve researched what this craving is all about, as you do when you have the slightest out of the ordinary thing wrong with you. Usually I end up with multiple incurable cancers caused my malaria with a side of the plague and early onset leprosy.
I will save you all the hours of google self diagnosing and chocolate research and present to you the only thing that makes any sense to me, and my new gospel:
Of course, Keanu has a valid point as well….
But that doesn’t solve my chocolate craving problem, despite Keanu’s lousy acting skills, but continued brilliant conspiracy theory making memes.
The fact that my inner genius has somehow always known that chocolate is salad and just wants me to feel better quickly, does however.
The human body truly is a magical temple. Respect yours by eating more salad today. There’s not time to waste.
Now someone please bring me some single malt. My throat hurts from mouth breathing.
****Oh, and before I forget, the whole thing that sparked this post to begin with was me perusing the 365 Days of Writing Prompts (that’s how quickly my mind shifts gears). Today’s challenge asked if we think access to universal medical care is something that governments should provide, or if it is something that should be left to the private sector.
The answer is YES to both. Think about it.
Short soapbox rant: EVERYONE deserves healthcare. Whether it comes from the kindness of the private sector, or from the government insuring that every single person under their protection is cared for.
See..I told you it would be short.
Now seriously, where’s that single malt…. Let’s show ‘Murica that the private sector can help provide health care.