Give Me Money.

Permission to rant, Your Honor?


Zero to Hero doesn’t apply to me today. I already have THREE, count them THREE regular, weekly features on my blog.

leftThey’re right there on your left in red.You can read all about them, and participate over at The Rides. Go… I know you’re curious. Get down on it

This portion of the blog’s ear worm was brought to you by ‘Get Down On It’ from Kool and the Gang).

kool & the gang get down

The Daily Prompt today, however, has asked us to write about the generation directly older or younger than us. This is a post I’ve actually been working on in my head for quite some time. I was going to save it until after the Zero to Hero  challenge was finished, but seeing as I can’t do much with today’s challenge, let’s just go ahead and get a move on with this, shall we?

This whole post is to be read as you envision me shaking my fist at the sky in a, “Damn kids! Get off my lawn!” manner. Thanks for complying.

old man

Kids today.

There are soooo many things I don’t understand.

I’ll leave out the obvious obsession with 80’s fashion which needed to stay dead and buried where it belonged in the 80’s. It was bad enough the first time around when I was part of it. I would like to meet the style icon that honestly thought it was a good idea to drudge this horrendous decade of “style” up from the grave and introduce him or her to my fists, “Never” and “Come Up with Anything Ever Again”.

I’ll leave out the confusing haircuts that need to be styled DIRECTLY over one eye. One day, we’ll just have a bunch of 40 year olds running around cross-eyed with severe neck and posture problems after years of just looking at things through one eye, and therefore constantly standing with their head tilted and continuously doing a head flip to get the hair out of their face because using their actual hand would be too hard.

I’ll leave out my lack of understanding for LOLZ, BRB, ROTFLMAO, WKWTFAOTM, WTFPJWINW, etc. etc. Write out the freaking word you lazy sonsofbitches. NKOTB can stay though. They’re rough (rough, rough, rough).

This portion of the blog’s ear worm was brought to you by, ‘Hangin’ Tough’ from New Kids on the Block. 

hangin tough

I’ll leave out how the misuse and overuse of the words awesome and epic infuriates me to the point of actual blood boiling point. That cookie that you ate? Yeah. That was not an epically awesome cookie. It’s ok if you really, REALLY enjoyed that cookie and it was the best cookie you have eaten to date, but this does not an epic nor awesome subject make. Unless the cookie never ended and you were struck with so much awe while holding that cookie, that you were brought to a near catatonic state. In which case, I apologize.

No folks, this rant will not include those things.

This rant, about kids today, is about starter funds.

It seems anyone with parents these days need only open their mouth and ask for something that they want and they are given it. It doesn’t matter if you’ve earned it via a great report card, or chores around the house. Everyone gets a trophy and everyone is rewarded for existing.

For those of you without mouths or sadly, parents, you may have in the past, needed to find a job like a paper route, shoveling snow or mowing lawns like a bunch of suckers.

But now, you don’t need to bother with all of that trivial “earning your keep” bullshit. Now, there is the internet. And what do they have on the internet?


No, wait…

Starter funds.

Pardon me while I step up onto my soapbox (clearing throat).

I said ACHEM!!!


In my day, people worked. Yup, that’s right. I got my first job when I was 14, not 24. I never was left wanting for anything. If one of my parents couldn’t buy it for me, I could buy it for myself. I did chores to earn an allowance and then when I was old enough to get a job, I did. Then, when I was old enough to get more jobs, I did. I even worked as a girl who turned into a gorilla so I could earn enough money to get what I wanted. True story. Click the link.

Nowadays, kids just ask their parents for stuff. And not just Barbie Dolls and Legos type stuff. Expensive gadgets, cars, trips. and Siberian Huskies, for example. Sure, that was happening when we were kids, too, but the words “value” and “respect” meant just a little bit more back then, I think. Now I see posts from kids literally saying, “I fu*king HATE MY parents!!! They only got me the iPhone 4s instead of the iPhone 5. My life is ruined! F*ck you Mom and Dad!”

True story.

In my day, bands worked really hard to play their instruments well. They were perfectionists. They played a lot of local shows, made and printed flyers at their own expense at Kinkos, did tape trading, and worked hard to buy more music for inspiration. There was no interwebs for downloads and mp3 may as well have stood for “my penis to the third power” for all any of us knew. They practiced continuously, invited chicks like me to their rehearsals, and they shopped their demo to labels, which cost them money that they earned by working, to record. They got rejected consistently and didn’t stop until they were offered a record deal, which happened when they were good enough. Now little did they know, they would likely be in debt  for the next decade to said label, but none of that mattered because they worked hard and finally got their recognition. The label fronted them money to record and tour, and they paid it back by producing an amazing album and working their asses off on the road.

Nowadays, kids ask their parents to buy them instruments and recording equipment. They don’t learn how to play those instruments. They just watch youtube instructional videos and think about practicing (it may eat into video game time). Everyone tells them they’re “awesome” and “epic”, and they believe it. Within 2 days, they’ve formed a band and within another 4 days, they’ve written a whole album and recorded a studio worthy demo (albeit, shitty studio) that they put up on myspace, Then they bully Mom and Dad into handing over the credit card reminding them that if they don’t, they’ll be the sole reason for a mass shooting at the school carried out by their baby boy. This way, they can achieve a steady flow of paid traffic to their site.

So what happens when Mommy and Daddy didn’t get you that iPhone 5 in all four colors available for the holidays and if you don’t have all 4 colors, you’ll be the laughing-stock of the school and therefore, blame everything that goes wrong in your life from this point forward on your asshole parents who have now “RUINED MY LIFE!”?

And now that you’ve decided at the mature age of 16 that you want to quit high school and go on the road but the one million friends you bought on MySpace haven’t gotten you a record deal in that super long, 1 week time frame you set for yourself?

Well here’s where starter funds come in.

This magical interweb land of starter funds, allows spoiled brats around the globe to, not use these important funding sites for the good that they were intended for…

No, no, no…

They use this to beg for money from friends, family, and my personal favorite, complete strangers so that they can get what they want. They head out into the world-wide web and panhandle.

And I’ve had it.

So I’ve decided, if I can’t beat them, I’ll join them.

I direct you all to me new starter fund that you can find over here, at I Want This Sword So You Should Give Me Money To Buy It. 

Now as you can see, this is a working site.  Actually, I have no idea how to do a starter fund because I’ve actually always just went about it like a sucker, and worked for stuff.

I’m thinking about starting a starter fund for someone to start a starter fund for me. Volunteers, send an email with the misspelling of the words “your”, “you’re”, “there”, “their”, and “they’re”, a minimum of four times so that I know you’re young enough to know that spelling is overrated, and therefore capable of making me rich through a begging scheme.

Now before you all get your panties in a bunch (that goes for you too, ladies), this was just an exaggerated rant. I know not ALL kids are like this. I know not the ENTIRE music industry is like this. I know you may not raise YOUR kids without values, and I know that starter funds are actually proven to really HELP people, companies and bands in need.

Rant, complete.

Express yourself below 😀

This portion of the blog, is brought to you by ‘Express Yourself’, from Madonna.


38 responses to “Give Me Money.

  1. Ok, now I DID read all of this post, yet could not shake the image of a younger ’80’s me in yellow multi zipped jeans, and a red suede x leather jacket, blowing my fringe out of my face like a damn horse. Then there was the plaid denim teamed with the Frankie Says…T-shirt. Oh for shame…for SHAME!

    • Yeah, all of those things are currently being sold at Urban Outfitters for 300% more than you paid for it to begin with. No shame on you, says the girl who is responsible for 80% of the ozone layer’s deterioration over South Jersey, USA. Shame on he/she who brought it back! We are forgiven because WE lived it the first time around. No one should have to live that twice.

  2. I found this post inspiring an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, or fear; causing or inducing awe, as well as noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style.

    I also liked it!

    • Well that settles that. There were big, dictionary type words up in there, and all of them spelled correctly. Sorry Brad, but you are out of the running to start my starter fund.

      But you went out in true, poetic style.

  3. This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I even had tears in my eyes through some of it. As a fellow child of the 80’s, I sympathise with your plight…but just not enough to buy you a sword (I did check out the link though so who knows what’ll happen when the grape starts flowing).

    • Did you have tears in your eyes thinking about the fact that fluorescent colored stretch pants are fashionable again? That gets me every time…

      And THANK YOU for your understanding… (and compliments).
      Get off my lawn!!!
      And buy me a sword!!!

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  9. I rewatched The Young Ones last summer, and Alexei Sayle sung his song about getting DM’s for £19.99 – they now sit at around £90. I’ve been struggling with that knowledge ever since.

    P.S. Keeping in the theme of 80s reboots of all things that shouldn’t be rebooted and adapted for now, did you know they’re making Back to the Future into a musical?

    • Noooooooo!!!!!!! That hurts my soul to read. Although, in true honesty, I would rather see it made into a musical, than another freaking movie re-make.
      DM’s were NEVER £19.99. Maybe in Camden Market, second hand, but even in the 80’s when The Young Ones were in their peek filming years, they weren’t that cheap.
      On my very first Euro tour in 1997, I couldn’t wait to get to the UK, home of DM’s and get my first pair. They were almost twice as expensive as they were in the US.

      One thing is for sure. The Young Ones and DM’s are two wardrobe staples that will never go out of style 🙂

  10. E., I’m sorry that work has kept me under lock and key for the last couple of days. I came here today to catch up and get a laugh because I needed it. You are so awesome and epic that you failed to make me laugh today. I apologise for my complete uncaring heart and saying that you are awesomely epic at failing to make me laugh today.

    I missed the 80’s, but I still wear some of those styles; you know… t-shirts and worn jeans. Starter funds suck; tried and failed at that one too. So here’s a beer to wallow in while you figure out how to get the ranting into the humor; or vice versa.

    • Sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time at work! You’ve been missed at The Playground.
      I’m still trying to work my way around the comment as I get distracted by rage blindness whenever reading the misuse of the words epic and awesome, as explained above, but what I’m getting from it, is that I didn’t make you laugh with this post. And that’s ok, Maybe you will think it’s funny if you read it when you’re in a different state of mind. Maybe, you’ll see where the sarcasm was coming in between the rant . Or maybe not… That’s ok, too, and I can take the feedback. I can’t make everyone laugh all the time..


      Starter funds do suck, and that was my point and t-shirts and worn jeans will never go out of style. That’s a time-honored tradition. Not something the 80’s spawned.

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