Weekly Writing Challenge: (My Attempt to) Write a Piece Using Gonzo Journalism

Zero To Hero Challenge: (My Attempt to) Tackle a Weekly Writing Challenge

Fair Warning: Lots of cursing ahead. 

Based on actual events.

What was I doing in this place.

Sure, I was still thirsty but was this redneck of a bar where I wanted it to get quenched?

Not so much, but there I was, and they had Guinness on tap.

The floors were sticky and the bar top was covered in spilled…everything. You name it, it’s been spilled. The lights were dimmed, but there was a disco ball over the small stage that occasionally reflected small prisms of color, much like the small hopes that many of the patrons here likely once had.

My friend and colleague Penny went off to find us some bar stools. I was left with one of her friends, Lina, who was beyond completely inebriated at this point in time. She began flipping through the karaoke book. Yup…karaoke.

“You know that song ‘Heeeeeeeeeey, Hey baby! Oooo! Ahhh! I wanna knoooow, if you’ll be my girl.’  You fucking know that shit? We should totally fucking sing it and…hey? Are you hungry? Let’s order some nachos!”

With that she slammed my glass and yelled “Skål!” whilst spilling 40% of the contents on the bar and none the wiser.

While Lina ordered some nachos, I took a minute to take in the rest of my surrounding. Before I had a chance to properly give the place a gaze over, I realized I was being watched. HARD. I mean, goddamn laser beam burning through my skull, watched. Not just by one person..but by dozens.

I slowly turned my glance to check out the contents behind the bar only to be met by the searing stare of the bartender.

She was maybe 25-30 years old and looked like she had been working a 756 hour shift. With black mascara leaking to raccoon eye status, stray black hairs were desperately trying to escape the grasp of the ponytail on top of her head that I reckon was pulling her skin back so tight, she may have actually been 50.

“So this one is from your friend, and this one is from me,” she motioned to the two shots sitting in front of me.

“Oh, is that vodka? I ummm..”

“Yeah, here’s the thing. When someone in this town buys you a shot, you fucking drink it. End of story.”

Down the hatch with shot number one, followed immediately by shot number two.

Where the hell was Penny?

“Hey Lina, I gotta take a piss, I’ll be right back.”

Lina in all of her 23 years of age, was having a blast. Straight off of a 9 hour shift, still in her bartending uniform, she was just happy to be on the other side of the bar. She was dancing to herself, sipping on the straw of her newly replenished Lynchburg Lemonade.

“You got it sistah sledge but when you get back….it’s motha’ fuckin’ “heeeeeeeeeey! heeeey, baby!” 

She passed over the invisible mic to me to sing the next part…

“Ooooo! Ahhhh!”

I now realized that if I didn’t do as I was told,…well let’s just say that folks didn’t take too kindly to that around these here parts.

Holy hell. Where was I?

I jumped in the queue.

What we had here, was a door with a copper penis nailed to the door, complete with, actually some rather well done sharpie art around said copper cock, ejaculating drops spraying out and around, and a second door, with copper breasts nailed to the door, complete with obligatory sharpied nipples. Everyone was queuing up in the same line, despite the clearly labeled gender doors, so I took my place at the end.

During my wait, I had one girl in a mini skirt and corset with blue, what looked to be yarn hair offer me some gum. Directly from her mouth. I told her while I appreciated it, I’d have to pass this time. The dude in line behind me, was explaining to his “Bro” how much he loved his “bro” and that he wishes his “bro” could understand. I didn’t dare look behind me but I’m quite certain some of their hair product slopped onto my back.

Fucking finally. My turn. As the SIX girls come out of the copper breast covered door, I see what awaits me.

It is one, what I imagine was likely white in a better time, room. Tiled, floor to ceiling. Wet toilet paper and remnants of people’s snow covered shoe prints were everywhere. Even on the walls. I pondered, only for a moment, as to how this could have happened. But I was way more concerned with what lie before me. Two toilets. Next to each other. No doors, no stalls, no bidet as a possible buffer in between. Just two toilets next to each other, like two thrones in the Royal Hall of Grossness.

There was no way in hell I was sitting on this throne.

As I hovered over the bowl and began peeing, some girl opens the door that I could have sworn I had locked, heads over to the free toilet next to me, drops her pants, sits down, and starts peeing.

There is no way I am drunk enough for this.

As she releases the fury, she reaches over to shake my hand, whilst on the toilet.

“Hi, I’m Jenny.”

I reach over, still in hover position and shake her hand…. “Um..hi Jenny.”

Come on, come on, come on! I internally scream at my bladder

I pull up my jeans, button my shit up, give my hands a quick wash, and head out. I hear Jenny yell behind me, “See you later!!” I left her sitting on the toilet.

I head back to the bar.

Fucking, Penny. Praise be to Thor (the hot one from the new movies).

“Hey!” she motions over to the stool she’s saved for me and then to the plate of nachos and various bar snacks on the table. Salami, cheese, nacho chips, olives. A nice little spread.

I order a Guinness from ponytail facelift girl.

Just as I go to reach for a nacho, I feel an arm reach over me and see a hand grasping a handful of aforementioned nachos. I look over my shoulder and see a woman, likely in her mid-fifties, holding a glass of wine, only still standing at this point because she’s now leaning on me as she eats the nachos directly in my ear.

“Hey!”

Lina was not amused.

“This isn’t a fucking buffet! What the fuck!!!????”

Nacho chip crumbs now spilled throughout my hair as she leans in to me with all of her weight. She’s trying to say something and in the process, begins spitting small particles of half chewed nachos in my face.

“But I lost my phone!”

Lina was infuriated… I mean, I understand being upset over the nacho stealing but it was if she was personally offended by this remark.

“Yeah, it’s probably under the fucking nachos! Idiot! Get the hell out of here!”

Just then, I felt a tap on my other shoulder…

“Hey! It’s me, Jenny!”

Note from me..the author*** Be gentle…this is not my normal writing style, but there’s a lot of my writing style behind it. If that makes any sense. I’ve been debating on whether to post it or not. Oh, and this is a true story…mostly….****