I consider myself to be in pretty decent shape. I get a lot of fresh air and walk everywhere I go, I take fencing lessons, I do a couple of different workout DVDs regularly when time permits, I Nordic Walk like nobody’s business (refer to my post Nordic Walking: Not Just For People Over 60). I’m generally, pretty active and my boyfriend calls me “little one” (it’s in an endearing way, not a creepy way, I assure you), so I don’t think I’m “big”. However, after about two years of a love/hate relationship with my Zumba DVDs, I think it may be time to finally accept the fact that some people, just weren’t meant to Zumba, and that one of those some people, is me. Here are the Top 5 reasons why.

Number 5:  I don’t have the right clothes. I’ve tried several variations of workout outfits and “street gear” and simply cannot seem to look as cool as the people in the DVDs. I feel that working out is as much about how you look as how you feel, as clearly indicated in all of my workout DVDs where all of the instructors and participants are in immaculate shape, with perfect hair and make-up and are incapable of sweating. I, however, sweat profusely, so clearly I am not wearing the right clothes.

Number 4: I have tried, but I simply cannot smile when I workout. I can’t help but think that if I smiled more, I could master the moves, but it doesn’t work. Between wiping the sweat off my brow every 19 seconds, and trying not to have a heart attack as a direct result of my impending stroke, I find it very hard to be cheery while all I want to do, is hurt these people in the DVD, and while you’d think that would make me smile, I just can’t manage.

Number 3: I can’t now, nor will I ever be able to do the move they are all so fond of on the DVDs called the “booty shake”. For me, this is a bonafide physical impossibility. I am as white, as white can be and my booty, simply does not shake in that manner. I feel like a complete failure and a burden to society when I reach this part of the workout. I’ve even tried smiling when doing it to see if that would help, but no luck.

Number 2: I have no coordination. This is a cold hard fact. I know in the DVD that main bitch that I hate says, “everyone has their own style”, but what I am doing is the furthest thing from the word “style”, or “dance”, or “zumba”, or “exercise” for that matter.  In fact, I am so certain that I am butchering the art of Zumba so bad, that if anyone I knew were to ever see me do my version, they would never speak to me again because I would have offended all of humanity.

And the Number 1 reason why I should stop doing Zumba, is that I have not once, but TWICE nearly slipped and broke my neck in a puddle of my own sweat.